Here I am – back with another post-divorce post. Sort of. I had an interesting thing happen yesterday and so I thought I would explore my feelings here.
I opened Instagram and the first thing I saw was a picture my step-daughter posted of her and her dad. It caught me by surprise. The last time I saw or spoke to him was the day we signed our divorce papers which was in August of 2017. This was by his choice. As soon as we walked out of the lawyers office he blocked me on all social media – honestly, I think he felt (and maybe continues to feel) guilty for everything that happened and since he is not the most mature of human beings the way he dealt with the uncomfortable feelings was to rewrite history in his head, and make me the villain and him the victim who had no choice but to lie and cheat on his trusting spouse for 8 months before leaving to move in with an accommodating skank.
Anyway, at first seeing the photo was like a quick gut punch. My stomach flopped and I closed Instagram. Of course, I couldn’t leave it at that. I had to open it again – although this time I was prepared to see the SOB AH. I wanted to look at the picture and see what I felt without the uncomfortable adrenalin of the surprise.
Interestingly, I didn’t feel much. I still have the image of the handsome prince I was married to burned in my brain. I have memories of our first date, our wedding and a thousand other little moments and in them all he is a beautiful man, very attractive and sexually appealing and the holder of my happiness. Although the guy in the Instagram photo looks pretty much the same as the memory guy – somehow he doesn’t. Looking at the photo didn’t stir any feelings of nostalgia, or loss or much of anything really. The strongest emotion I felt was irritation. Looking at his photo made me mad all over again at the way he treated me, mad at the unfairness of it all, mad at the financial bind he has put me in that will last for years if not forever.
Now to be petty – yeah, I know I should be above that but I am not. Sorry, not sorry. So…he didn’t look great. He was clean shaven – which is not the facial hair look I prefer on him. Soon after we met he started sporting the kind of small beard and mustache that along with his red gold hair made him look like a modern day Robin Hood. It was a good look for him but at least in the current picture the rakish look is gone. He also still has the same beer gut he always had. Don’t get me wrong. I am not a thin woman and in all fairness he never found my size to be a negative in anyway and I was never displeased with the shape of his body, but we are both normal middle aged people and not fitness, super models. However, I had heard that he was super into a Paleo diet and fitness lifestyle now and I had visions of running into him and he would be a male model with toned abs who looked 2o years younger and I would feel like a fat dumpy old cow. Well I am here to say that while his new eating and fitness plan might be making a difference to his overall health it has not changed the shape of his body or removed the wrinkles around his eyes. I still look 5 years younger than him and I am 7 years older.
The most telling thing about the picture though, was that he was standing in a pose/attitude that I had become all to familiar with during the last year of our marriage. He is leaning against a wall while my step-daughter is crouched down in the foreground of the picture taking the selfie. He is looking up (reluctantly) from his phone with a look on his face that clearly shows that his phone is more interesting to him than the person in the room. That was something that became a problem in our marriage and something that I should have paid much more attention to at the time. He had become addicted (?) to his phone and had a better relationship with it than with me. I was not aware at the time that he was trolling all kinds of sex and skeevy dating apps (yet he maintains he never cheated on me), was texting a lot with various women who were “just friends”, along with being much too focused on social media and all the strangers out in the world of Instagram and FB who were “liking“ him. If this photo is a capture of more than just the moment it was taken, his face is still glued to his screen a majority of the time and he still has less attention for the people he is with in the real world. That is something I truly do not miss.
To end this post on a positive note, let me just say that my YouTube channel has been great. In just over two weeks I have over 175 subscribers and have had well over 1000 views of the four videos I have posted. The community that is centered around cross stitch and other fiber arts is very welcoming and supportive. I am excited to make my videos, excited to work creatively everyday with my needle and floss, and excited to make new friends both locally and globally through our shared love of this artform. If you have any interest in needlework at all, please visit my channel to check it out. My channel name is KarlaBeingCrafty. I would love for you to drop me comment there.