I just reread the post I made last year around this time… It is funny how much has changed and how much is just the same.
I started that post with comments about a dream involving David and how it kind of threw me for the day. Strangely I again had a dream this weekend staring my now ex-husband which left me feeling sad and longing when I woke. I don’t dream about him very often so it stuck with me for a while. This time the dream wasn’t quite as defined (or at least I couldn’t exactly remember it), but again it was him, with me, being loving and apologetic and regretful for all the hurt and lies. I wish I could say I was further along – that I no longer missed him or our marriage but I can’t do that yet. All the sad achiness is just there – beneath the surface, mostly easy to ignore but impossible to forget completely.
When I started on this blog I naturally started reading and following the blogs of other people who were also going through divorce and dealing with infidelity. For the most part these people, although still enmeshed in dealing with their exes and their divorces issues, seem to all have been able to “move on” enough to start other relationships. In fact posts often go back and forth between issues with the ex and divorce and issues with the current boyfriend/lover/date. I know it doesn’t make sense to compare myself to anyone else, but that just astounds me. The mere thought of going out on a date is stressful. The idea of having feelings for another man (romantic, sexual, loving) is just kind of incomprehensible to me right now, and although I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I just can’t even imagine – not even in a fantasy way – being with anyone else but my ex. And I don’t think that given the opportunity I would really want to be with him either. Because the” him” I love and hold in my heart doesn’t really exist anymore, too many things have happened to change him and my perception of him and if he suddenly showed up on my doorstep I just don’t know how I could possibly ever trust him again. Actually I don’t know how I could possibly ever trust ANYONE again. It is a scary thought. I hope I come out of this experience wiser, but not permanently damaged.
Last year I almost had a Sophie’s choice of Thanksgiving agendas. This year there is no choice. I have not been invited anywhere, and quite frankly the pity invite doesn’t much appeal to me anyway. My step daughter asked if she could come over to my apartment in order to escape the family Thanksgiving which will include her dad (and his girlfriend). She has to be there for a bit and make nice but then she is coming over to my house. I guess I will make a small turkey breast or a roast chicken or something and have fun watching movies with her – so it will end up being an enjoyable evening.
This post sounds more maudlin than I intended. I know I have lots of things to be thankful and happy about. I have really good friends, I have my mom and my step daughter and my brother’s family – I am not really all alone in the world. And I am not really sad all the time or anything like that. But things are a little bit harder for me now. Small problems (like breaking a drinking glass) make me want to cry, and big issues (like having a flat tire and having to pay over $700 for new tires last week) make my heart pound with dread. I am trying really hard to move on, to be strong, to be capable all by myself, to be more content than sad, to be more happy than content. I am inching forward, but I am just not there yet.