Tired…..

It has been two months since my last post. A lot has happened but I have been too worn out to post about it. I guess that is my theme lately…I am just tired and worn out.

Life moves forward as it should. I mentioned that I was cast in a play – that went well and it was fun being back on stage, but it was physically exhausting and since my SD doesn’t have her driver’s license yet I got home very late after taking her home every night.

I got home from rehearsal one night to find a big “60 day Notice to Vacate” form taped to my door. My MIL (and my SIL) waited until they knew I would not be home to put that on the door. Nobody called me or discussed it with me in a civilized way. I spoke to my MIL at the end of December about my moving and she said at that time – I would never kick you out but you do need to think about moving and start to save for an apartment. I agreed with her wholeheartedly then and said basically “I have been your daughter for 6 years – you need to give me 6 months”. With that conversation in mind I had already been looking at apartments for about 6 weeks when I got that notice – but still the way it was done was just so unkind and cold. These are people who have been my family for 7 years. People who told me “no matter what happens you will always be family”. It feels a bit like being in a nest of snakes.

I found a cute, but very tiny apartment later that week. I decided to prioritize a low rent and being able to have my three pets over space. I am already stressed about money so it made sense to me to pick a (relatively) less expensive apartment. Living tiny is currently in fashion – I am now trendy. My MIL seems to think that I got a place because of the notice she served me rather than the fact that I had already been looking for almost two months – like she pushed the baby bird out of the nest or something. So irritating and belittleing. My SIL has also been fakely excited and wanting to know details about my new place – when really all she cares about is when I am going to be out of the house so she can come in. I am being blamed for everything that is wrong with the house – despite the fact that the house was old and falling apart when David and I moved in and he, because of his bad mood, did nothing regarding upkeep for a good 8 months before he left. Apparently, as soon as my husband left me I was supposed to become a super woman and start fixing and cleaning this white elephant of a house all by myself – even though I was never the one who did the heavy cleaning – it was always David. I have never been a very good housekeeper and he knew that when he married me – I don’t know how or why that was supposed to change when he left and I was sad and depressed.

I am moving in two weeks. Trying to pack/sort/organize is a nightmare. I am so overwhelmed that I am paralyzed. I have to go through a house full of stuff (not all of which is mine) and have to downsize to a 500 square foot studio in the process. All while working full time. I have started, and I “work best under pressure” so I know I will get it done, but it is slow going and so emotionally difficult that sometimes I wish I could just leave everything behind. It is physically difficult for me also – my back is in constant pain and lugging boxes around doesn’t help. My friends are very supportive and helpful but I still feel very alone in all this. I want to be excited about my new place – and I do have moments of enthusiasm – but mostly I feel like I am walking through quicksand all the time trying to accomplish this move.

Things with David remain friendly but odd. He is actually going to move me. He is strong, he has a truck, and frankly he damn well owes me that much at least. I am pretty sure he realizes this which is why he agreed to help me with no fuss at all. So he and his girlfriend will be helping me move. She is nice – it is awkward – but right now I need his help so I am dealing with any awkward that comes along. I saw him last month (and met her officially) when he finally came to re-home his turtle that I have been taking care of for the past nine months – while they were over I told him again that he HAD to come to see the play for Tayler’s sake. That it meant a lot to her even if she didn’t say it. I also told Rebecca to make him come because it was very important. They came the following week. Tayler was secretly pleased – although she bratily said it was hard to be mad at him when he was being a good dad and she still wanted to be mad at him.

He still has ignored every communication from my lawyer. He ignored her request to file the documents he neglected to file. We sent him a settlement offer to try to avoid court and he ignored that also. I think it is in part because although I am asking for very little he doesn’t have any savings with which to pay me the little I am asking for. I know he went to his mom to get money to put first month and a deposit on his new apartment with Rebecca (which she gave him – then immediately started nagging him to pay her back – golden strings for sure). I find that ironic – he makes more money than me, but I had to save and scrimp and refinance things to pay for the deposit on my apartment myself and allth eexpense that come with moving. He left me and my expenses went up while his went down. But of course he was spending money on Ashely and her 3 kids a lot. It is highly annoying to me that I am having to pursue this divorce when I am not the person who wants it. Frankly I would be happy to leave things as they are for now – because I am still very worried about health insurance once I am no longer on his work plan. But my lawyer doesn’t want open files on her desk. She filed something asking the court to ignore the fact that he hasn’t filed whatever financial documents he was supposed to file and to go forward anyway. There is a court hearing on August 18th scheduled which I do not have to be at. I have no idea what will happen if David does not show up to that. I do not want to discuss the divorce proceedings with him unless we are in court or at my lawyer’s office, but I did ask him if he got the letters from my lawyer. He said he did then gave some lame excuse about being busy which is why he hadn’t replied. I really don’t understand it. He is the one who filed for divorce. He is the one who has moved on with other women. He is the one who is soooo in love with his new girlfriend. Why is he dragging his feet when it comes to pursuing the divorce? I don’t really want a divorce. I am starting to move on but still love him and miss him and would be willing to work on saving our marriage. Yet I am the one who has to pursue this. Another thing that just wears me out.

I know moving will be good for me- even though right now it is very scary and stressful. Hopefully my next post after I move will be full of hope and excitement at starting the new chapter in my life. Right now I just want to go to sleep with the covers over my head.

Friends…?

I have mixed feelings about this being friends thing with my husband. I don’t know exactly what to call him. He is not my ex-husband because we are not divorced. He is not my soon-to-be-ex because as far as I know he hasn’t really done anything to move the divorce forward so far. He is not my estranged husband because we are friendly now and communicating. But he is not exactly my husband either because he has a “serious” girlfriend (yes – already!) and they are living together (yes- already!) and will be moving into their new shared apartment in two days. That being said, when I do see him and talk to him he seems interested in me, my life, my opinions and frankly, my breasts. Meetings end with hugs. Mentions of things said during the “bad times” are met with looks of embarrassment and chagrin. So this being friends thing is a big ball of question marks.

I am okay with the status quo for now. My feelings for him aren’t going to change anything that he does and I am not sure that they actually should. If we ever do have a future together, it will come in the form of a new relationship, built on the good memories and feelings of the old one. I am living in the moment and wondering what is to come and although at this point I still hope and dream about a future with him in it, those feelings are not going to stop me from taking any opportunity – dating or otherwise that feels right. I still think about David every single day. I dream about him. I miss him and want him. But I cry over him less now and don’t feel sad all of the time.

I think he is being incredibly stupid to be moving in with his new girlfriend already and I told him so. Honestly I think deep down he knows it is a bad idea. I mean, he left me in August and is on his second serious relationship 8 months later. It is pretty telling that he can’t or won’t be alone. Or maybe he is so in love with “being in love” that he can’t look two steps ahead and recognize the deep pile of crap he will be in if (when) this relationship runs its course. He was not that impetuous with me – we didn’t actually move in together until we had been seriously dating for 10 months and had just gotten engaged. But then again he wasn’t in a midlife crisis at that time – which I still think he is in. On a personal note the whole situation just irritates me from the standpoint that I am having to deal with everything that this separation has created on my own, which is really difficult on so many levels while he has not spent one day without someone to romantically, physically and emotionally lean on. He was already interested in Rebecca when he broke up with Ashley (from the tenure of her FB posts) although I am not quite privy to all the sordid details. He didn’t actually start dating (you can read that – have sex with) Rebecca for something like three whole weeks (what restraint!) but the writing was on the wall.

I and my step-daughter, Tayler got asked to be in a play which opens in 3 weeks so we have been busy in the evening at rehearsals. I have actually developed a really close relationship with my SD and if nothing else that is something to be happy and thankful about as far as my marriage is concerned. I sometimes feel like my position in my family is to be the go-between/mediator between Tay and David. They are very alike in both positive and awful ways and the communication problems David and I had are multiplied between the two of them. So I am the voice of reason. They both have this attitude that the other one “doesn’t love them” and “I don’t care” – so they spend all this time being resentful and hurtful to each other. It is understandable in a 20 year old girl – she still has growing up to do. David just really needs to get over himself and step up and be a dad, even when and maybe especially when his dauther is pushing him away. Since we are friends now I have mentioned things along this line to him several times and to his credit (and maybe because he does respect my opinion a bit) he has taken my advice and they are mending fences. Hopefully David will come see the play (I kind of promised him one of my comp tickets – don’t know how I will feel if he tries to get the other one for his girlfriend!). I know it will mean a lot to Tay if he comes to see the show (although she says she doesn’t care!)and to be honest it will mean a lot to me also. Plus I will look super cute, and … well I enjoy reminding him that he is pretty strongly attracted to me.

I am at the point where I really need to find a new place to live. I am still in a financial limbo, but I think emotionally I need to move forward with what I can afford now without any kind of divorce settlement, and if /when I get something it will just be something to build a nest egg on. I have decided to try to find an apartment in the Long Beach, CA area. It is farther from my work than I am now by 15 to 30 minutes depending on how close I live to a freeway, but closer to the leisure activities I wish to pursue and I would rather live near the fun parts of my life. Plus I just like the area better. With what I can afford I am going to be living a tiny house life most likely in a studio apartment – but if I can find something charming it will be okay. A new beginning.

My Soap Opera Life

My life continues to be a soap opera. Granted a sort of boring , watered down, not super dramatic soap opera that only I and my close friends are even remotely interested in , but a soap opera non the less. I feel like a lot and conversely not much has happened in the last couple of weeks since my last post.

With my Anniversary fast approaching and my head swirling with all the “what ifs” I posted about last time, I came to some conclusions a few weeks ago. I realized that I still love my husband very much and I do not feel badly about that. I also felt that it was important for me , for my peace of mind to let those feelings be know. I don’t think I would have come to the same conclusion if he was still with Ashley, but their relationship seemed to be really, really over. She posted several extremely laughable posts on social media about trust and fidelity and how you should treat your girlfriend – like I guess she doesn’t believe those things when she is helping a guy be unfaithful to his wife but when she is the sad girl things are different. Anyway, I decided I would send David a text on our anniversary, simply saying that I miss him and that in spite of everything I love him. I mean if you can’t say that kind of stuff on your anniversary, when can you? I had a couple long discussions with good friends about the wisdom of this move, but even though I understood their desire for me to not “stick my neck out” or put myself in a position to be hurt again I felt (and still do feel) that my love is a strength of my character not a weakness and reaching out can only have positive results.

I figured that I would have one of three results from sending him this text message: 1) He could ignore it. This is pretty much what I was expecting and since he has ignored me for the last half a year I wouldn’t be any worse off than I am now. 2) He could respond negatively. I did not expect this from him (I do know his personality a little bit after 7 years together), but I figured that if he did respond that way it would probably give me a healthy anger toward him which would help me move on. Or 3) I would get some kind of positive response that would allow us to move forward – whether just to be civil to each other, as friends or maybe toward an eventual reconciliation.

Anyway the text was sent, I had a fairly pleasant day on my anniversary with my friends with only a few sad moments (and not too much sangria) and didn’t hear from David for 4 days…then suddenly I had two text messages from him, asking for my lawyers contact info and mentioning that we needed to split our cell phone plan because he can’t afford it now that he is looking for an apartment. I resisted the urge to berate him for the fact that he ignored me when I said we needed to split the plan 4 months ago and instead made civil arrangements to meet with him at the AT&T store the next afternoon. I also called my lawyer to give her a heads up and found out that when she applied for an initial court date it was denied because David never filed the required documents with the court that he was supposed to beyond the initial petition for divorce. Hmmmm.

The AT&T meeting was fine, if a bit awkward. We got the business done and ended the meeting with a hug and a little bit of non-acrimonious talk. We ended up texting the next day which started to get a bit intense and frustrating (text sucks for relationship talk) and then he asked me if I was free for lunch the next day. He made a point of saying it wasn’t a date and he doesn’t want to have any heavy discussion and he does not want to get back together. A casual friendly non-date lunch. – fine by me.

It was really nice having lunch with him. Familiar. It was a little confusing also. I admit I dressed to impress and he kind of offhand noticed my dress during lunch and made a few lightly flirty comments – which probably thrilled me more than it should have. We talked very non-intently about what went wrong in our relationship – which was a huge issue of hurting each other by not communicating well. I am not excusing his actions in any way and think what he did and how he did it was reprehensible, but I also know that the breakdown in our relationship was a failure on both our parts and I said as much to him. I asked if I could be his friend on social media again (so stupid but somehow important). All in all it was a good experience.

This was a week ago. We have texted a little since then. I don’t think he has contacted my lawyer at all which I frankly don’t want to push because I really don’t want to get divorced. He seems to be interested in/dating a woman from his band. I asked him about her (very casually) during lunch and he was kind of emphatic that they were not dating. I think that may have changed at this point, but for some strange reason I really don’t care. I am trying hard to look inside myself and analyze my feelings on this. I have known all along that if we have any hope of reconciliation in the future it will take some growing and learning on both our parts. I am happy for him that he has found in this band a group of people that seem to really be a family to him. He didn’t have good friends like this when we met, people who cared for him on his own merit and not as an extension of his parents – he had long time friends from his childhood, and “old” friends (meaning his parents’ friends in their 70s +) but not people of his own. He got involved in theater again when he met me but again he became part of that world as an extension of me, not as just himself. I can see how his life now, with friends and interests that are only “his” is appealing and empowering and good for him. I can understand his desire to live for himself, without parents and children and a spouse that he is responsible for and to. I don’t think he has ever had that. I think I need to accept that and let him experience this time of his life. I know that my love for him is an important part of me and always will be regardless of what the future holds. I would like to think that his love for me is still within him somewhere and at some point he will be able to come back to it. And in the meantime I like being his friend again because I truly like him. I recognize that it is kind of ridiculous and slightly pathetic that when he “liked” a selfie I posted on Instagram this morning it made me unreasonably happy. I am aware that seeing him being happy with another woman makes me sad and kind of jealous. I still don’t know how I feel about all the “what ifs” – but for today I am willing to be patient.

Swirling Emotions

I am having an incredibly hard couple of days. It is weird, because I had felt like I had come to a place of acceptance and relative calm but yesterday and today the pain and hurt and sadness seems so fresh, so new.

I am sure there are reasonable explanations for this.

1) My 5th anniversary is in 5 days. I have plans with friends – not going to wallow by myself or anything. And the plans seem fun and I am looking forward to them but that is not shifting the big lump I feel in my throat.

2) I saw David yesterday for the first time in 6 ½ months. I knew I was going to see him – it was at a funeral so I had been preparing myself. I brought a friend with me. He was standing outside as I walked up to the entrance to the mortuary. The whole encounter took about 30 seconds – I said “hello”, he said “hello, I said “how are you doing?”, he said “I am doing well”, I said “that is good…” then someone directed me to the door I was supposed to go into and that was it. I didn’t really look at him – which I regret now. I wish I had really looked in his eyes. He wasn’t there when I left the service – I think he left early to get to the cemetery as I am sure he was going to play the pipes at the graveside (I didn’t go to the burial). At first I felt good about the whole thing – I was calm and dignified. And I didn’t burst into tears upon seeing him. But after I went back to work, as the day wore on I realized that I felt unsatisfied and anxious and eventually just really really sad – like the hurt was fresh and new. I sobbed in the car on the way home from work last night in a way I haven’t done in months. And it didn’t make me feel cleansed – just left me with an ache in my middle that isn’t going away.

3) The third thing that is making my emotions swirl is the fact that his new relationship seems to be over. I heard about this on Saturday – I picked up my step-daughter for an afternoon of theater – she lives in the little casita at her Grandma’s (my MIL) house. She didn’t know details but her dad was moving back there – to his mom’s – temporarily to stay on the sofa and he is supposedly looking for a place of his own. She had not had a chance to talk her dad yet, but what she heard from her Grandma is that apparently he and Ashley “had different agendas” – whatever that means. At first I felt kind of good about this news – reveling in the shadenfreude of the situation and definitely enjoying the fact that this woman who helped to destroy my marriage is now #ourheartsarebreaking – according to her recent FB post. Then I felt kind of like a big bitch for feeling that way – but that is a feeling I can live with.

Now that I have had a few days I realize that the news of his breakup (if that is what it really is) is just kind of making things confusing and painful and bringing up a whole mess of “what ifs”. What if he wants to come back? What if he doesn’t want to come back? What if he goes back to her? What if he starts being a player and dates a ton of women? Do I even want him back? What if I take him back – will I lose the respect of everyone in the world for being a wimp and weak? Do I care what other people think? I also know that it is much more likely that I will run into him now that he is staying at my MILs. I am there almost every week for Shabbat dinner – or I was before he was living there. Are things going to be super awkward now – or actually get better? Am I going to be the odd man out and not included at all anymore?

The bottom line is that regardless of everything, despite the time that has passed and the little moving on milestones I have achieved, even though divorce papers have been filed and we are now waiting for court dates, and even in spite of the rotten things he did I still really love him and miss him like crazy. People say the man he is now is not the man I fell in love with but that is only partly true and overly simplistic. If I am honest with myself I have to admit that if he did want to try to reconcile our marriage my first instinct would be to jump in his arms. I am sure the voice of reason would take over after that and I would have the wisdom to not enter blindly into anything without caution and counciling – but my first instinct would be to say “Yes! Please come be my husband again.”

Valentine’s Day…sigh

It has been quite a while since I posted an entry to this blog. I think that is sort of typical of the lack of emotional energy I have had lately.

I am doing okay I guess – not sobbing uncontrollably anymore, living my life and plodding on… but that is often what it feels like – plodding. I am still sad pretty much every day, although not all day. I don’t actually cry much, but get “choked up” and teary eyed at the slightest thought of my husband and my marriage and all the memories of them. Or at any song on the radio that sparks one of those memories. I am continually angry at the injustice of it all – of the fact that he seems to have had no consequence to this horrible thing he did to me and our life together. Of the fact that he has not had to deal even one day with being alone and lonely because he did not leave me until he already had my replacement locked down. Of the fact that he has been able to ignore any guilty feelings he might have by basically erasing me from existence. He has not spoken a word to me since the end of August. Of the fact that he left me to physically and emotionally deal with a house that I cannot properly take care of and his turtle and all his stuff which he didn’t choose to take with him when he left (knowing that eventually he can have whatever he wants since I live in a house owned by his mom).

I have put all my fears and stress about moving and what will happen to me financially going forward on the back burner, because until we get further along in the divorce process I am in a sort of limbo – not knowing what I can sell, not knowing exactly what in our home is mine, not knowing how much (if any) financial support I will get from him, thus not knowing exactly how much I can afford for rent etc. I figure I will have to address that eventually, but there is no point to piling stress onto myself – I will jump off that bridge when I get closer to it.

I feel like I have been working to “get through” a series of milestones. I am not so dramatic that I think that I am going to completely fall apart on those days but still I find myself shoring up my resolve, steeling myself for the inevitable hurt I will feel – but I got through Thanksgiving, I got through Hanukkah and not being invited to the Dec 25th family outing that I have been a part of for the past 6 years because he and Ashley and her three kids were included. I survived NYE and his birthday (and all the Instagram and FB pictures that he and his new little family posted on those happy days). Here it is Valentine’s Day (or Black Tuesday for the bitter crowd) and I am okay with it. Mostly. If I don’t think about it too much. Next month is my 5th anniversary – a special day I never thought I would be “celebrating” alone. Actually I won’t be alone as a group of friends have decided to have a get together, go see the live action “Beauty and the Beast” movie and then go out for tapas and drinks. I have already made arrangements to be picked up so I can indulge in one (or ten) margaritas which I normally will not do if I am driving. And I have court dates coming up – though exactly when I do not know yet. I am dreading seeing him in court – I am afraid one look at him will cause tears to flow and I don’t want to give him that power over me…but I am really, really afraid I will not be able to stop them. That all the hurt and rage and frustration I have felt these past six months will just pour out of me in the form of angry tears.

I know it will take time to start feeling “normal” again – but how much time? My dad passed away when my mom was in her mid 30s – and now in her late 70s she is still married to him in her heart. She never got over it, never stopped loving and mourning him. I don’t want that to be me. I don’t want to be some crazy Miss Haversham, still mourning the loss of my marriage and dreams for my future, years after he so very obviously moved on. The reality seems to be that the guy who is now living and loving a new woman in RSM is someone I don’t really know. The whole mid-life crisis things seems to be alive and well and he is (from what I can see) trying to turn back the clock to be the guy he was at 19. To the extent that he shut down his FB profile and opened a new one using the nickname everyone used when he was a teenage prodigy in the bagpipe world. All the friends on this new profile seem to be newish band friends plus his sister and a very few long term friends. He is suddenly using pot again in a gleeful sort of way (and posting pictures online of marijuana candy and his new bowl etc) , something that he talked about doing while we were together but that he never really did and hadn’t done in years. He wants to start surfing again – something he did as a teenager. None of this stuff is especially bad taken on their own, but all together he really seems to be trying to re-invent himself back to an earlier time. I don’t understand it. I loved and admired and trusted that middle aged guy – why did he not like him? Why did he think it would be better to become who he was 20 years ago? I guess that his new younger, adoring, doe-eyed mother of three fits with that 19 year old persona better than I did. At least she does for now. Until he is dissatisfied with his life again. Then she will be the one who gets blamed for all his unhappiness. At least it won’t be me getting all the blame.

Facebook Year in Review – the gift that keeps on hurting

Facebook Year in Review – can I just say…Yuck!! I can’t share mine (nor do I want to) because I do not need to post a bunch of photos of me and David together at the beginning of the year when I thought we were relatively happy – or at least happy enough to work together on any problems we might have. Ashley did post hers (you can imagine me with a slight vomit face now) – and it has several pictures of her new love aka MY husband – including a picture taken before I was aware she existed. David won’t post his I am sure because it would show him to be the dog he is to have me in the beginning of the year and her at the end. I am really trying to keep my sense of humor about this whole thing.

David ended up bringing his new little family to his mom’s for Thanksgiving (I was not there) – so now his entire extended family has met her and by virtue of the fact that everyone is too polite to make a stink about it, has implicitly condoned their whole relationship. I only know she was there because my step-daughter felt guilty and ended up telling me she was there a week after the fact. SD thinks that David has probably either lied to Ashley or bent the truth because she doesn’t seem to understand why my SD would be cold to her. ST thinks that Ashley may have thought that David and I were already separated when they met or at least equally unhappy. Doesn’t really matter either way at this point and doesn’t make me feel any better about her- except maybe a little pity if he started out their relationship with lies also. I do feel slightly betrayed by the whole extended family. I definitely feel wary and that I cannot be honest with these people because despite their “you will always be our family” stance – they are uncomfortable and if it has to be him or me for an invite etc it will obviously be him (I wasn’t invited to his sister’s Birthday party for example.)

I have been working on the financial statements required for the divorce proceedings this week. I got David’s in the mail and it is just ridiculous what he put and what he didn’t put. I know he is not stupid and I don’t think he is evil so I guess he must just have his head so far in the sand that I am surprised he isn’t smothering. We don’t have a lot of stuff but we did live and acquire stuff together for 6 years. I guess he doesn’t realize that just because it is in his possession and for his hobby that is still “belongs” to both of us if it was acquired during the marriage – a lot of stuff he got for band events fall into that category (like canopy tents and a huge cooler and outdoor reclining chairs). He also is ignoring the stuff that was purchased for other interests of his (like beekeeping equipment) that are sitting in our garage neglected – he may not want that stuff now but we bought it during our marriage and it has value and I don’t want to have to be the one to deal with it. It just bugs that he took what he wanted, left a bunch of “junk” that he doesn’t want to deal with and I should just be fine with that. He also said he is paying a huge amount for rent – when I have seen no evidence to that fact (based on his bank statements) and neglected to mention that he is actually living with other people (skank) who must be contributing to household expenses. The whole thing is just super annoying!!!

I had a wonderful visit with my BFF over Thanksgiving and then she went home and discovered all kinds of scary medical issues – she is actually in the recovery room right now after a hysterectomy that her Dr. wanted to do right away and I am sending all kinds of thoughts out into the universe that there is no nasty cancer.

My 21 1/2 year old cat died the week after Thanksgiving. It was kind of expected since he was over 21 and had sort of been declining in the last couple of months (I think he missed David too)– but he was really spry over Thanksgiving weekend and made a total pest of himself wanting to share the turkey leftovers. Despite the fact that it wasn’t a surprise, I was still pretty sad. I texted David to let him know (Herbie was his cat too – for 6 years), but he didn’t respond at all – not an “I’m sorry”, or a “he was a good kitty” or even a sad face emoji. Nothing! That was rock salt in the wound – but I guess I should have expected the nothing. Luckily I still have my dog and two young cats – they are keeping me nice and warm in the bed these days.

I have started dipping my toes back into the online dating world. I have had a couple of short text conversations with a few men so we will see how that goes. Nothing I am excited about yet but I feel like it is good for me to make the effort to meet new people even if my heart isn’t totally into it right now. And it does make me feel good to have someone say I have pretty eyes or a sexy smile even if in the long run it means nothing. I think it goes along with the deep down acceptance of the fact that David really isn’t coming back.

I am continuing with my pottery class and also am expanding my hanging out with friends time. I am reconnecting with old girlfriends, making new girlfriends and going to meetup events. Sometimes I don’t feel like it, but I am having fun when I get there and it is good to not feel alone in the universe. It is weird though – so many of my friends have been through divorces but now that I am going through one it seems like everyone in the world is in a happily coupled relationship. And this time of year is full of so many happy holiday romance movies and shows and it all gets to be a bit much. I miss being married.

Heading Towards Thanksgiving…

I had a dream last night. I don’t always remember my dreams- sometimes just a vague feeling of what it was about, and I don’t remember all the details of this one, but the important part – yeah it is etched in my brain. I was with David, I ran up and kissed him and he kissed me back and then whispered in my ear “did you check your phone, you need to check it” and when I looked at my phone there was a text from him saying “I am so sorry. What the fuck was I thinking”. I felt so happy that he was apologizing and wanting to work things out with me and then my conscious brain butted in and I realized I was dreaming. And then I woke up.

The fast approach of Thanksgiving and then the rest of the end of the year holidays is kind of giving me a weird anxious hollow feeling. Like I am waiting for something to happen but I don’t know what it is. And I have a very deep ache that I am trying to mostly ignore that is basically me missing him like crazy. The good memories are more devastating than thinking about all the bad crappy stuff that is more recent.

I have a pretty good mad on this morning based on my disappointing dream combined with Ashley the Skank’s most recent FB post. I know I shouldn’t look at her FB or his Instagram – that I am just hurting myself every time I do. I am getting better about it – it is not a daily compulsion anymore – but I do check. I look forward to the day when I am so detached that I truly do not care to look. Anyway, David was in a parade this weekend. She posted a picture of the band with #theoneinthemiddleismyboyfriend. I so want to post #thatsfunnytheoneinthemiddleisstillmyhusband !!! If I got to rule the world everyone I know would post that on her stupid picture. I understand the desire to gloat about one’s happiness. Everyone does that – but to do it when that happiness causes someone else incredible pain just seems so cruel. But she and he are living in a bubble – I do not exist anymore so there are no consequences for hurting me. I think that is part of what is so maddening. I am trying hard to take the high road – to not react to things that come up and hurt but I want them to feel some remorse. To at least acknowledge that there was another person (actually people – my step daughter is devastated by this whole thing too) who has been effected by their great love affair. But what I am saying is nothing new – I am pretty sure that every left behind spouse has said, or felt or thought that exact same thing.

I ended up having plans for Thanksgiving and the weekend to which I am really looking forward. I originally was going to be faced with the choice of going to my brother’s house, or my mother –in-laws as I have done for the last 6 years, or being by myself. None of those options held much appeal. I was planning on choosing my MIL’s since I have been repeatedly told that I am family no matter what and I didn’t want to not go just because David might (a pride thing), but instead my best friend, who sat behind me in English class Freshman year of high school is coming out to California to spend a week with me. I have to pick her up at LAX at 5 on Thursday so that means I cannot go to my MIL’s since they usually eat around 3. Annoyingly when I told my MIL that I wouldn’t be able to come this year her response was “that might be for the best since I am planning on inviting David and it could be awkward…”…so much for me always being family. My Step Daughter has promised to give me a full report on anything that happens if he shows up. I know The Skank was not invited and if he brings her I have a feeling a small amount of Hell will be unleashed. I so wish I could be a fly on the wall. Anyway after I pick up TC we are going to another friend’s to have a saved plate of turkey and dessert. I will be surrounded by friends who are not conflicted over loyalties. That sounds great to me. And TC and I have all kinds of fun things lined up for the weekend including a PJ day on Sunday where we are planning to lay around on the sofa in our PJs all day watching movies and eating and drinking wine.

I know this post has been a little rambling. I guess that is how my feelings have been lately. All mixed up and not very focused and it is reflected in what I am choosing to write about. I have been re-watching the NetFlix series Grace and Frankie. Although I am nowhere near their ages, or the circumstances that precipitated the divorces on the show, I still relate a lot to some of the things that they are dealing with. I feel like I am sort of in the middle of their two characters personality wise and it is interesting to watch and relate to a comedy that feels so close to home. This divorce stuff is a real bitch!

Navigating the Maze and Changing My Story

I have been having weird dreams about David. I can’t even really say what they are about because I don’t really remember. I just wake up, know he was in my dream and feel like I am searching for something that has receded to the corners of my mind – or maybe that I am forgetting something. Could this be my subconscious mind putting him away. Making him into a memory instead of the focus of my present?

I kind of feel like I have turned a corner recently; although I know that I am not on an easy path – more like a maze – so turning a corner doesn’t mean I am anywhere near the end of the journey to peace and happiness – there is another corner to uncharted territory just ahead. As I wished for in my last post I have had days where I don’t cry at all. I still get choked up – that awful tight squeaky throat feeling when I am desperately trying not to cry (usually in front of someone like the checkout clerk at the grocery store because of some dumb memory that popped unbidden into my head), and I am crying…just not EVERY day or every time I get in the car. I also realized that one of the things that I love about my Saturday pottery class is that for at least two hours David is not in my mind at all. It is just me and the clay and being creative. Of course I usually get in the car after class and immediately my head starts buzzing again with thoughts of him and what he is doing and who he is with (the skank most likely) etc…. but for those few hours the buzzing is silenced.

I think a bit of what is happening is that mixed with the hurt and sadness and rage that have consumed me since he left I am now developing a bit of healthy contempt. Hopefully eventually I will be able to think of him, see him, even see him with her and not feel hurt and sad at all, not feel the ragey anger that makes me feel sick and shaken, but instead feel disdain and pity knowing how flawed they and their relationship are. Knowing that they are trying to grow a flower in poisoned soil and they will never be able to truly have a healthy good relationship in the long run unless they both work hard on overcoming the character flaws that allowed them to start a relationship based on infidelity in the first place. Which is most unlikely.

I am sure any of you reading this blog have had those moments where you hear a song on the radio and it strikes a chord in you – becomes an anthem for you , at least for that moment in time. This happened to me last night. I am trying to change my story right now – and I don’t care if I have to be a little bit naughty to do it.

Naughty
Matilda: the Musical

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
So they say, their subsequent fall was inevitable.
They never stood a chance; they were written that way –
Innocent victims of their story.

Like Romeo and Juliet,
‘Twas written in the stars before they even met
That love and fate (and a touch of stupidity)
Would rob them of their hope of living happily.
The endings are often a little bit gory.
I wonder why they didn’t just change their story.
We’re told we have to do what we’re told, but surely
Sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty.

[Chorus:]
Just because you find that life’s not fair, it
Doesn’t mean that you just have to grin and bear it.
If you always take it on the chin and wear it,
Nothing will change.
Even if you’re little you can do a lot, you
Mustn’t let a little thing like ‘little’ stop you.
If you sit around and let them get on top, you
Might as well be saying you think that it’s OK,
And that’s not right.

Cinderella, in the cellar,
Didn’t have to do much as far as I could tell.
Her Godmother was two thirds fairy.
Suddenly her lot was a lot less scary.
But what if you haven’t got a fairy to fix it?
Sometimes you have to make a little bit of mischief.

[Repeat Chorus]
And if it’s not right, you have to put it right.

In the slip of a bolt, there’s a tiny revolt.
The seeds of a war in the creak of a floorboard.
A storm can begin with the flap of a wing.
The tiniest mite packs the mightiest sting.
Every day starts with the tick of a clock.
All escapes start with the click of a lock.
If you’re stuck in your story and want to get out,
You don’t have to cry; you don’t have to shout.

‘Cause if you’re little, you can do a lot, you
Mustn’t let a little thing like ‘little’ stop you.
If you sit around and let them get on top, you
Won’t change a thing.
Just because you find that life’s not fair, it
Doesn’t mean that you just have to grin and bear it.
If you always take it on the chin and wear it,
You might as well be saying you think that it’s OK.
And that’s not right.
And if it’s not right, you have to put it right.

But nobody else is gonna put it right for me.
Nobody but me is gonna change my story.
Sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty.

Separated Three Months

Today is exactly 3 months since David left me. I feel like I keep taking 2 steps forward toward acceptance and peace about this crap situation but then get pushed back 1.75 steps by a tidal wave of emotions – sadness, anger, fear all swirled together. I want to get through one day without crying at some point. I want to get through one hour without him at the back of my mind – where he is, what he is doing, who he is with and why, why, why….

The car is a difficult place for me – it has always been my breakdown place – probably not the safest thing. I can get in the car feeling mostly normal and then some random thought comes into my head and I find myself driving with tears running down my face more often than I care to admit. I guess on a positive note it is where I have all my fantasy conversations – with David and Ashley and myself. I get to yell at them and say all the things that I have not been given the opportunity to say. How hurtful and cruel and unfair they have been. I am always very eloquent when I am yelling at an imaginary person.
More “stuff” has come to light. Proof of semi-skeevy internet things that just reinforce the knowledge that David was unhappy a year ago and searching for …something. I don’t know what exactly, excitement, sexy thrills, youth…I really don’t know or understand and he never communicated with me what was bothering him or what he needed. I don’t think he really ever knew.

I also have heard vague rumblings from his family that this isn’t the first time he has cheated in a relationship and the stuff he said about what happened during his first marriage might have been skewed to reflect an innocence on his part that didn’t exist. I take all this with a grain of salt. I believe that the guy I fell in love with was and ultimately is a good guy. His recent behavior has been anything but good and he has treated me horribly in the past several months but, learning that he has been struggling for so long doesn’t make me angry so much as incredibly sad for this man whom I love so much, even though I know that I can’t do anything to “fix” him.

I am also dealing with some convoluted feelings of betrayal by David’s sister. When all the cheating stuff started happening she was super supportive and said what he was doing was awful and I would always be family regardless and a whole lot of other stuff; however, not only did she allow David to use her address on the divorce papers (because he doesn’t want me to know where and possible who he is living with), she also has recently met and started socializing with David and Ashley. David hasn’t really hung out with his sister in a year and now they are best buds. She also called their mom to tell her how nice Ashley is…Mom wasn’t having it (which is some comfort). Well what did she expect? I wouldn’t think that David would purposely pick out someone who was a heinous bitch – no, of course he wants someone who is nice and sweet and who strokes his ego – that is the whole point of having a mistress – the feel good endorphins you get from the new , exciting relationship. The fact that she bought a RV 6 weeks after meeting him and (what a coincidence!) he had been wanting an RV for so long is just icing on the cake. I am sure she is a really nice person, in fact, I am sure that she is probably a lot like me. But she is also someone who started a relationship with a married man with no regard to the people who could be hurt by her actions. In that regard both she and he are not good/moral people. They are damaged and cruel. And David’s sister socializing with them is in effect condoning their relationship and the pain they have inflicted on me with their actions. I am feeling stressed about the upcoming Thanksgiving “celebrations”.

But enough for now about the negatives I am dealing with – I need to document the positive things I am doing. I finished the first 4 week pottery course I signed up for and signed up for another 4 weeks for November. I am really enjoying it. It is good to have something to look forward to every week that is purely for my enjoyment and relaxation. And I have a bit of natural talent which makes me feel good about myself. I have also joined a lot of meetup groups and actually signed up to attend two events this month. One is a book club that meets in pub type places and the other is to see the upcoming Harry Potter movie and go to a high tea afterward. They both sound fun and I hope I can meet some new people. I have been flirting in my mind with the idea of getting back on a dating site. I am totally not ready yet and I know that there are pitfalls to dating too soon, but I am thinking about it at least. And… I took my wedding ring off. I feels odd but it is time to make that small change. I moved my engagement ring to my right hand. I love that ring. It is a green sapphire. A symbol of fidelity: Ironic huh? I guess he should have been the one wearing it.

The Other Woman

So I wrote a big long post on Saturday, had trouble actually posting it, hit the “wrong button” and lost everything. Very annoying! And as writing a post is kind of draining – I wasn’t in a big hurry to recreate it. But…now I will try to put some of thoughts down again.

In my extensive internet trolling – otherwise known as research – on infidelity and its reasons, outcomes etc. There seem to be a couple of camps. Those who think that infidelity is a marital stumbling block that can, with time and effort be overcome to create an even stronger better marriage, and those who think marital infidelity is a deal breaker, the ultimate end to a marriage from which there can be no recovery.

At this time for me, the point is kind of moot, I guess because until and unless the straying partner wants to work on trying to recover the marriage there is not a lot the left behind spouse can do; however, I still have thought a lot about this situation and how I will feel if I do ever get the opportunity to try reconciliation.

I have discovered that for me – the affair that David is currently having is not a deal breaker. I can see it as a symptom of the disease, not the disease itself. Of course I don’t exactly know what the disease is – obviously David was very unhappy in our marriage during the last several months, but since he never shared with me what was going on with him, I still don’t really understand. But, even with that being said, I do not believe that as David said during one of our short conversations after he had stopped coming home – “She has nothing to do with this situation”.

She has everything to do with this situation! If David was unhappy even before he met her (while he was sleeping in my bed and telling me that he loved me every day) then why was it only after he met her that he decided to actually leave? Why was it only after he met her that he started getting more distant and staying away for longer periods of time on the weekend? Why after he left did he suddenly cut off all contact with me and actually file for divorce without ever mentioning that that was a possibility only after she bought the RV he has been pining for and they moved their relationship in to one that had her accompanying him on weekends away. His actions have been influenced by being pumped up on new relationship endorphins (which have been compared to cocaine in their effect on the human brain), so “she” most definitely has everything to do with him leaving.

If David had told me that he needed time apart to think, to question what he wants then I could understand this whole thing a bit more. But he didn’t. He didn’t ever even tell me that he wanted to separate – he just stopped coming home. He has not had to deal with being alone. He has not had to face the pain and fear and uncertainty that I am dealing with because he is not alone – he just swapped out a new female for the old one. And although I really don’t think I have done anything to warrant this kind of treatment – the reality is that I am a wife, which is a decidedly less exciting creature than a new “girlfriend”. A wife comes with history and responsibility and obligations. The responsibility a guy feels to a new girlfriend is all based on what he wants to give – not what he has promised to give. A girlfriend hasn’t heard your silly polarbear joke a thousand times already.

There are those who question why someone in my position has such animosity, hatred even for the other woman – why is the hatred not put firmly on the shoulders of the straying husband? He after all is the person who has betrayed me. Which is all true – but I simply cannot feel hatred toward him right now – and honestly don’t know if I ever will. I am angry for sure and sad every other minute of the day, but that anger and sadness are both fueled by the fact that I really love him. I have a history with him. Memories and plans for my future that all include him. All I know of the other woman is that she is someone who pursued and encouraged a relationship with a man who she knew to be married. And know it she most definitely did. I found out about her because of her indiscretion on FB and Instagram – and David’s social media is filled with pictures and events with me. And she knew enough about me to make sure that I saw pictures of them together – she didn’t block me from FB until after David had been gone about a month – after she bought the RV. So she knew about me and made sure I knew about her. This is not the actions of a “really good person” as David has called her (not to me – but to his daughter, who basically told him he was full of it and what they were doing was morally reprehensible).
I don’t like feeling hate in my heart to another person. But hate is what I feel for her.