It has been two months since my last post. A lot has happened but I have been too worn out to post about it. I guess that is my theme lately…I am just tired and worn out.
Life moves forward as it should. I mentioned that I was cast in a play – that went well and it was fun being back on stage, but it was physically exhausting and since my SD doesn’t have her driver’s license yet I got home very late after taking her home every night.
I got home from rehearsal one night to find a big “60 day Notice to Vacate” form taped to my door. My MIL (and my SIL) waited until they knew I would not be home to put that on the door. Nobody called me or discussed it with me in a civilized way. I spoke to my MIL at the end of December about my moving and she said at that time – I would never kick you out but you do need to think about moving and start to save for an apartment. I agreed with her wholeheartedly then and said basically “I have been your daughter for 6 years – you need to give me 6 months”. With that conversation in mind I had already been looking at apartments for about 6 weeks when I got that notice – but still the way it was done was just so unkind and cold. These are people who have been my family for 7 years. People who told me “no matter what happens you will always be family”. It feels a bit like being in a nest of snakes.
I found a cute, but very tiny apartment later that week. I decided to prioritize a low rent and being able to have my three pets over space. I am already stressed about money so it made sense to me to pick a (relatively) less expensive apartment. Living tiny is currently in fashion – I am now trendy. My MIL seems to think that I got a place because of the notice she served me rather than the fact that I had already been looking for almost two months – like she pushed the baby bird out of the nest or something. So irritating and belittleing. My SIL has also been fakely excited and wanting to know details about my new place – when really all she cares about is when I am going to be out of the house so she can come in. I am being blamed for everything that is wrong with the house – despite the fact that the house was old and falling apart when David and I moved in and he, because of his bad mood, did nothing regarding upkeep for a good 8 months before he left. Apparently, as soon as my husband left me I was supposed to become a super woman and start fixing and cleaning this white elephant of a house all by myself – even though I was never the one who did the heavy cleaning – it was always David. I have never been a very good housekeeper and he knew that when he married me – I don’t know how or why that was supposed to change when he left and I was sad and depressed.
I am moving in two weeks. Trying to pack/sort/organize is a nightmare. I am so overwhelmed that I am paralyzed. I have to go through a house full of stuff (not all of which is mine) and have to downsize to a 500 square foot studio in the process. All while working full time. I have started, and I “work best under pressure” so I know I will get it done, but it is slow going and so emotionally difficult that sometimes I wish I could just leave everything behind. It is physically difficult for me also – my back is in constant pain and lugging boxes around doesn’t help. My friends are very supportive and helpful but I still feel very alone in all this. I want to be excited about my new place – and I do have moments of enthusiasm – but mostly I feel like I am walking through quicksand all the time trying to accomplish this move.
Things with David remain friendly but odd. He is actually going to move me. He is strong, he has a truck, and frankly he damn well owes me that much at least. I am pretty sure he realizes this which is why he agreed to help me with no fuss at all. So he and his girlfriend will be helping me move. She is nice – it is awkward – but right now I need his help so I am dealing with any awkward that comes along. I saw him last month (and met her officially) when he finally came to re-home his turtle that I have been taking care of for the past nine months – while they were over I told him again that he HAD to come to see the play for Tayler’s sake. That it meant a lot to her even if she didn’t say it. I also told Rebecca to make him come because it was very important. They came the following week. Tayler was secretly pleased – although she bratily said it was hard to be mad at him when he was being a good dad and she still wanted to be mad at him.
He still has ignored every communication from my lawyer. He ignored her request to file the documents he neglected to file. We sent him a settlement offer to try to avoid court and he ignored that also. I think it is in part because although I am asking for very little he doesn’t have any savings with which to pay me the little I am asking for. I know he went to his mom to get money to put first month and a deposit on his new apartment with Rebecca (which she gave him – then immediately started nagging him to pay her back – golden strings for sure). I find that ironic – he makes more money than me, but I had to save and scrimp and refinance things to pay for the deposit on my apartment myself and allth eexpense that come with moving. He left me and my expenses went up while his went down. But of course he was spending money on Ashely and her 3 kids a lot. It is highly annoying to me that I am having to pursue this divorce when I am not the person who wants it. Frankly I would be happy to leave things as they are for now – because I am still very worried about health insurance once I am no longer on his work plan. But my lawyer doesn’t want open files on her desk. She filed something asking the court to ignore the fact that he hasn’t filed whatever financial documents he was supposed to file and to go forward anyway. There is a court hearing on August 18th scheduled which I do not have to be at. I have no idea what will happen if David does not show up to that. I do not want to discuss the divorce proceedings with him unless we are in court or at my lawyer’s office, but I did ask him if he got the letters from my lawyer. He said he did then gave some lame excuse about being busy which is why he hadn’t replied. I really don’t understand it. He is the one who filed for divorce. He is the one who has moved on with other women. He is the one who is soooo in love with his new girlfriend. Why is he dragging his feet when it comes to pursuing the divorce? I don’t really want a divorce. I am starting to move on but still love him and miss him and would be willing to work on saving our marriage. Yet I am the one who has to pursue this. Another thing that just wears me out.
I know moving will be good for me- even though right now it is very scary and stressful. Hopefully my next post after I move will be full of hope and excitement at starting the new chapter in my life. Right now I just want to go to sleep with the covers over my head.